J-BarBlog
Saturday 31st December
2005 can be summed up as the year I didn't go rock climbing.
Obviously lots of things did happen (some of them wonderful) but this year motherhood seemed to take over everything. I hadn't realised just much I need adult conversation and intellectual stimulation. Getting to know other mums is an uphill struggle as they all grew up together and I'm really lacking in self-confidence. I fear appearing either needy or, worse, aloof.
I have involved myself in a few community activities which has led to me meeting intelligent, positive-thinking, community-minded people. Surprise, surprise, none are stay-at-home mums.
2005 was the year I was sad, angry and, frustrated. Instead of cherishing my children, I resented the limitations they imposed on me. In short, I blamed the wrong people for my sadness.
It was also the year I stopped being a snob about Lidl, listened to a podcast and ate butternut squash.
I am booked on a rock-climbing course for June 2006. The only way is up.
Lessons learned this year: Networking is not a scary business
tool. It just means making new friends.
Resolutions for next year: Concentrate on personal growth. Reject negativity.
Lose a stone and a half. Schedule regular Me time.
Friday 30th December
Right. Resolution time is drawing nearer. Spend time with positive people and limit exposure to numpties. Read more challenging books. Spend less. Be TIDY. Be patient. Review this list.
Thursday 29th December
I've been giving some thought to my resolutions. Will I concentrate on my own behaviour or how I deal with that of everyone else? Hmmm. I can't make people behave the way I think they should but I don't have to put up with them either. I could concentrate on my own behaviour (try to be a good parent, be tidy, be more considerate of others) but that doesn't stop other people being absolute shits.
Do I make my resolution to be more tolerant of others or be a bit choosier about who I spend time with? I don't ask much of the folk around me. They don't have to be particularly bright, rich, or beautiful. Good grief, they don't even have to be particularly fragrant, just not disloyal and not a shit. Is that terribly intolerant of me?
Monday 26th December
I've had many different Christmases - several alone, a couple with friends and the grand total of four with my own family.
2002 was our honeymoon Christmas. 2003 was my sober, pregnant with Lucy Christmas. 2004 I was pregnant with Georgie. 2005 was the first proper Barker Family Christmas. By that I mean, it was the first we spent as a complete family. It will also be the last we will spend in this house.
We haven't put up any decorations or a tree because of selling the house and everything has been rushed and last minute. I knew it was going to be a tense, emotional time but I didn't expect it to be quite so, well, demanding.
In the run-up to the big day, I was getting really irritated by people asking "what do you have for Christmas dinner?" I invited my sister to join us for Christmas. "What are you having?" she asked. Ok, so, I'm mostly veggie but do people really think I dish up a lettuce leaf for my Christmas dinner?
For the record we had roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, sweet potato, carrots, parsnips, sausages with bacon wrapped round (yes!) and nut roast (made from mixed nut, lentils, mushrooms and onion), onion gravy. We forgot the stuffing but ho, ho, ho, hum.
Today, boxing day, we had our Christmas dinner again, just the 5 of us. We pulled more crackers, drank wine. We laughed until our sides hurt over a misunderstanding to do with crackers. Our leftover Christmas dinner was absolutely brilliant and probably the best dinner I have had during 2005 - despite the lack of tinsel and baubles. Boxing Day felt like our Christmas. I kept finding red glitter everywhere and couldn't understand it. We realised it was from Emily's gorgeous new shoes. Seems we have decorations whether we want them or not.
A couple of hours later, my sister phoned to say she has been sick and wondered if we had food poisoning too (we haven't).
Christmas 2006 will be in our new house. Georgie will be aware of her surroundings, we will have lots of decorations - and it will be very different. I can't wait.
Friday 23rd December
Georgie was sick all over me so I told Emily to stay downstairs with Lucy & Georgie while I changed. Two seconds after getting upstairs I heard Emily yelling "Muuuuuuuuuum!!!!!!!". I asked what was up and got a muffled reply. I shout again. Silence. I race downstairs. All is calm. "Why were you shouting?" I demand. "Because I couldn't hear you" comes the bewildered response.
I tried being patient yesterday - it gave me a headache. Today I just yelled. When that didn't work (as it never does) I tried bribery. They are now full of aspartame and playing up. I abandoned my shopping trip when Lucy ran amok sending bottles of cider and cans of lager rolling down the aisles. Emily has been encouraging Lucy to say "Poo" in a silly voice. Lucy has been teaching Georgie to blow raspberries. But...I don't have a headache.
Thursday 22nd December
Travelling Camera "Plashet" has come home (Thanks Christopher)!
Two bags packed full of beautiful baby clothes were handed in by Mo's daughter (Thank You Tracy and Casey).
Flavoured bisquettes finally arrived today.
Wednesday 21st December
Last Day of Term Drabble*
At the babies & toddlers party the young guests were scared of the bouncy castle but played happily with the usual toys. Each child received a toy. Lucy got a giggling doll, which she adores and Georgie's gift was a musical snail… which Lucy adores.
There was an excited buzz in the playground as we waited for Emily. Mums swapped shopping-for-presents stories. Young siblings wore Santa hats. The teachers looked happy.
When we got home, Georgie was still asleep in her pram. Emily sat beside me showing me her Christmas artwork. Lucy danced to Boogie Beebies unaware we were watching.
*A drabble is a piece of writing (usually fiction)
consisting of exactly 100 words.
Tuesday 20th December
Today is my wedding anniversary. It will also be the anniversary of seven same-sex couples who will be having the first civil partnership ceremonies in Scotland.
I really enjoyed being "the girlfriend" but having my relationship recognised in law meant I wasn't just "a" girlfriend but the last one. Grrrlfriend with a capital "Gee!".
Anyone who thinks marriage is just a piece of paper is missing the point. Besides, everyone has the right to that bit of paper if that's what they want.
Congratulations to everyone getting married today.
Monday 19th December
I'm still reeling from the shock of Rachel, Pete & Lauren's lucky escape from a head-on collision on the A1 yesterday. Thankfully, everyone was okay but I can't help thinking how it could have ended very differently.
I managed to keep busy getting the house tidy for the marketing photos.
Friday 16th December
In Soapland, Nana Moon died tonight. In real life, a young local woman died. As far as I'm aware they had nothing in common other than timing and motherhood. Very sad news.
Thursday 15th December
I was choked with emotion at Emily's nativity today. It was such a lovely experience.
Later that day the Primary 3 children hosted a "thank you" event. The children clearly enjoyed welcoming the grown ups to their school and no doubt this sort of thing greatly increases their confidence as well as teaching social skills.
Tuesday 13th December
I finally got shot of a load of surplus computer bits. The first freecycler who said they wanted the stuff never got back in touch and when I offered our monitor to a guy who wanted one he didn't reply. I didn't think it would be so difficult to give things away! I'm glad its finally gone to a good home.
I lost £50 today. Thankfully, I found it again. Brilliant feeling.
Sunday 11th December
All the Barker girls have had the cold for a few days. Additionally, Emily and I have earache (and I have the added bonus of toothache).
I am losing my voice and Emily can't hear properly. Trying to communicate that the actual line from "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" is "With the angelic host proclaim" and not "with a jelly crossbone came" has been a challenge.
Highlights of the week include: Lucy pickpocketing the doctors prescription pad and Georgie having two front teeth (yes, really!)
Wednesday 7th December
It was really thoughtful of the other mums to invite me to be a taster at the cookery class in the vastly improved Prestongrange Community Hall (formerly known as The Scout Hall).
The first dish we tried, Turkey Stir Fry was really nice and Lucy thought so too. The second dish to be sampled was on a much larger plate and I offered a spoonful of mushroom to Lucy who immediately gagged and spat the offending mushroom back on to the plate rather spoiling the arrangement of rice. As if this wasn't enough, she was dripping, erm, nasally. All I could do was tip the contents of the plate into the bin and wipe down Lucy. It was only when I returned to the kitchen that I realised that no-one else had sampled the dish - hence the big plate - doh!
I was a bit embarrassed not least because anyone who hadn't witnessed this gross act would have assumed I ate the ENTIRE dish. However, the new improved Jan is not going to allow things to mushroom (excuse the pun) and become depressed and instead will assume that everyone has more important things to gossip about than me.
On a different subject entirely, today, my windowcleaner was reading the contents of my recycling crate. He spent considerably longer looking through Maplins catalogue than he did my windows. He must be a funghi to buy Christmas presents for.
Tuesday 6th December
Wow! There is so much positivity and good karma around today. Every person I met, every phone call I took, every email I opened was brimming with energy, enthusiasm and goodwill. My pet projects of bookcrossing, wave gallery and travelling cameras are now inextricably linked and my Christmas card list grows longer. If I believed in astrology I would think that Jupiter had aligned with Earth (or something).
Monday 5th December
Incorporated in the new Schedule (which includes getting up at 5.00 a.m.) is a half hour window for speech work with Lucy. We sat together while I read from "Words I Can Say". She didn't show much enthusiasm. When Georgie fell asleep I took the opportunity to plod on with the upgrading of bedroom 3 so switched on CBeebies for Lucy. The moment the Teletubbies appeared she said "One....Two!". Why do I bother?! Later, When she saw Dora the Explorer she said "Ola!" unprompted. Perhaps I should just sit her in front of TV all day...
Nappies Changed: 4
Christmas cards posted: lots
Carpets lifted: 1
Bookcases destroyed: 3
Asses kicked: 0
Toilets unblocked: 1
Noses wiped: lost count
(as at 2.00 p.m.)
Missed photo opportunity: The Power Station spewing out fantastic charcoal coloured 'clouds' - the noise was quite terrific too
Sunday 4th December
The Barker family have a collective cold and are grumpier and snottier than usual.
Yesterday's solo trip to Musselburgh was a little disappointing because I can't really justify buying any more "stuff" at the moment (especially in light of the removal company's estimate to remove our existing 'stuff'). I returned home with a couple of jumble sale books and a bag of millionaire shortbread which turned out to taste of steak pie.
We braved the weather only to discover that the carol singing had been cancelled.
Today was much more productive. We have almost cleared the spare room and I have written lots of Christmas cards. I almost sewed the hem on Emily's trousers.
Missed photo opportunity: A robin in the garden arch
Friday 2nd December
I don't always know whether I'm coming or going but I usually know where I live.
This morning, because I had to leave first, Mrs F and her duster, waved goodbye to me from the doorstep. For a fleeting moment I thought I was a visitor.
When I arrived at school the other mums were already in their respective groups (PTA, OAP, PVC, PCP, PYT & QVC). It always amazes me that people consider it perfectly acceptable to ask how much your house is worth and whether your children were planned yet don't have the decency to nod a greeting or return a hello.
The playground gossip centred on murder, chopped fingers and bungled robberies - a far cry from "my" Prestonpans of Arts Festivals, Sunday walks and parenting forums. It is sometimes like I live in a different town.
This afternoon, I answered a knock at the door only to find that the caller was actually looking for Mrs F.
Prestonpans - Twinned with Schizophrenia
Thursday 1st December
I am staring at a snow-covered Christchurch, Oxford. Not the real thing but a new page on my calendar. 24 days to go and I have a lot of presents still to buy.
--I have two mouth ulcers.
++Georgie likes her Bumbo.
Websites of the day: www.charityshops.org.uk; www.employmentappeals.gov.uk; www.reallymoving.com; www.where-wolf.com
Wednesday 30th November
We were all ready to go to school and, for a change, we were on time. What could possibly go wrong? Erm, Lucy having diarrhoea and sickness. Fortunately, Emily got a lift from a friend's mum, leaving me to tend to sad-faced, smelly girl Lucy.
In fact, body fluids have featured a lot today. Georgie got her immunisation shots. Emily has been avoiding going to the school loo in case there is a fire drill while she is there. Today, her teacher showed us both how the fire doors work and did a really good job of reassuring her.
Tuesday 29th November
I'm 36 today. A sexy-sounding age I think. Like a bra size or hip measurement (alas, not mine). It sounds womanly.
Among my many,many lovely presents was a GPS unit which enables me, finally, to geocache. I'm full of ideas. I love gadgets and this is a brilliant bit of kit for an uber-nerd such as myself.
I don't feel old, despite being old enough to have given birth to some of the glamorous young mums at the New Mum's group this morning. While there, Lucy deftly introduced the subject of Sibling Rivalry by hurtling a toy across the room at Georgina (who weighed in at 15lb 1oz in nappy and vest).
I think I'm quite good at guessing a person's age (Okay, so it's not a particularly
useful skill and it probably won't make my fortune). Perhaps my judgement
is skewed because I have an incredibly youthful-looking mother but… I
don't think I look 36. There, I've said it.
Friday 25th November
Any psychometric test would show that I am a self-starter rather than a completer/finisher. Today I could not muster the enthusiasm to finish clearing the spare room but I did create a new message board for the good folk of East Lothian. I'll probably never get around to promoting this but at least it got me out of lugging boxes into the loft.
Website of the Day: East Lothian Message Forum
Wednesday 23rd November
It's Wednesday, the worst day of the week and I'm in a Lucy/Georgie cycle which is hard to get out of until they both fall asleep. It goes like this.
Georgie is very tired and needs cuddling to sleep. Lucy gets jealous and starts crying. This situation always end with the little darlings falling fast asleep just before I have to load them both into the buggy for the school run.
This affords me five minutes to do fun things like take headache tablets, change my vomit-soaked clothing, eat burnt food, drink cold coffee. I think of it as "me" time.
Tuesday 22nd November
TICK HERE IF YOU LIKE LOUISE. There are few ticks and lots of crosses. I walk past this graffito every weekday. An almost daily reminder of how cruel children (especially girls) can be.
Emily said that she didn't have anyone to play with at playtime
so I asked what she did. "I played the Farmer in his Den and pretended
to be the other people" she replied. This bullying by exclusion seems
a popular pastime with at least one of her classmates who regularly promises
Emily "to be your friend tomorrow". It is equally upsetting when
Emily greets me with "Suchandsuch likes me today!".
Monday 21st November
I like lightbulbs (all that fine glass and the spidery filament
bit is really quite beautiful)
I don't like shoes being thrown at my face (Lucy is misbehaving)
I like Tax Rebates (I got £300 this morning)
I don't like it when my children are poorly (Emily had a sore tummy this morning)
I like having a large supply of coffee pods (half price at Lidl)
I don't like being cold (It is 4°C)
I'm not sure if I like the fact there is a programme called "Meet
the Barkers" on MTV.
Sunday 20th November
On the outward journey I spotted Balamory's "Archie". First Scotrail could have done with a "groovy solution" from CBeebies finest inventor on the return journey.
Having been squashed into a carriage sardine fashion we were then all told to get off the train and squeeze into an even smaller one which failed to move and the service was cancelled. Half an hour later, 2 million people attempted to board the train but only half this amount actually managed to get on.
Fortunately I got a seat in the "Facilities Area". Unfortunately it was directly opposite the facility. Fortunately the journey was made much more exciting by a man mistaking the emergency stop for the flush.
Wednesday 16th November
Our offer on the house has been accepted!
Tuesday 15th November
We want house X which means, if we get it, we are committing ourselves to being broke for a long time, at least until we are a two-income family again. I've been broke before. I know how miserable it can be.
Do I believe some things are more important than money? Will I be sad if we don't get it? Am I up for the challenge? You betcha.
Monday 14th November
So often I can tell how the day is going to unfold by the way it starts. Yesterday ended as it began, laughing and joking around. Five minutes after opening my eyes I had splodges of blackcurrant jam on my white top.
Lucy's potty training has beguin in earnest (as has the obligatory examining of the potty's contents and wearing the potty on her head) and so far it has been a very messy day.
Thursday 10th November
I always suspected there was a way to take advantage of eBay seller's typos and poor spelling and now an enterprising soul has capitalised on this. But here's a thought...what if they aren't mistakes but a kind of double-bluff?
Wednesday 9th November
I would like to be more involved with school activities but it is simply not possible. Today, grown-up guests joined their little person for lunch at the school.
I asked Emily who she sat beside at lunch she replied, M, M's mum, M, K, M, K's Grandad, M, Me - did I say M? and Me, not a person called "Me", I mean, Me, Emily. There were only three people who didn't have a mummy. They had a mummy I mean they weren't with them at lunchtime. I was one of them. But it's okay mummy."
Tuesday 8th November
I have the usual Christmas gift catalogues (The Pier, Lakeland, Hawkin's Bazaar, Mini Marvellous, Tridias & Great Little Trading Co) as well as some new entries (Pedlars, Muddy Puddles & Presents for Men) and strangely, a donkey sanctuary one and summat to do with sailing.
I've been irrationally irritated by the rising number of "Paint Your Own..." gifts for children. Paint Your Own t-shirts, umbrella or even tea sets are fun. A PYO mdf bookcase is surely a case of putting a clever marketing spin on an unfinished product.
Website of the day: www.43things.com (not to be confused with productivity site www.43folders.com)
Monday 7th November
It was a nice surprise to bump into Annemarie on the way back from Toddlers. We had a cup of tea, a blether and a virtual tour of house X. Inspired by this rare injection of intelligent conversation, I spent the rest of the day making grand plans for the future and thinking of ways to stop my brain turning to mush.
I am beginning to feel a bit better about getting so drunk on Saturday although I am still desperately short on confidence. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I once held down a responsible, well paid job and could initiate conversation with strangers. It seems so long ago now.
Sunday 6th November
We celebrated Guy Fawkes night with friends in "the top Pans". Not being used to getting out, I drank too much and blethered way too much and had a really lovely evening.
I managed to get my act together this morning in time to view two properties but not soon enough to prevent Lucy doing unspeakable things in the bathroom with a loo brush and a tube of toothpaste.
I absolutely fell in love with the second house we viewed. I get fluttery just thinking about it and then I get scared to think about it and then I feel sick. Maybe I'm still hungover.
Friday 4th November
My mobile phone rarely rings so when it vibrated to say I had a text message I got a big fright. I got an even bigger fright to read the text message "666". Nigel has much to learn about texting.
The only other person who rings my mobile is Mr F who is currently in Mrs F's bad books for a heinous crime involving superglue. He has much to learn about putting up halloween decorations.
Thursday 3rd November
We were late for school this morning which meant I avoided having my eardrums burst by lard-arsed wimmin screeching at their offspring but meant I ended up walking home behind junkiemum. The stench was unbelievable and she was 20-feet away. I made a mental note of which street she went down and added it my ever-growing WOBBITS (WOn't Be Buying In That Street) list.
Thanks to the East Lothian Courier's Courts Page my WOBBITS list got longer (and includes my street). I'm going to have to drawn up some sort of criteria.
Wednesday 2nd November
Lucy and I had Diwali leftovers for lunch. I had rice and bahjis. Lucy ate a candle.
I had been trying unsuccessfully to have a cup of tea since I go up this morning. As noise levels rose and weariness descended I tucked both babies in bed. One minute later, they were both asleep. One hour later, I awoke wedged in between the pair of them. I am going to make a cup of tea this very minute.
Tuesday 1st November
A pair of hands arrived today for the Wave Gallery.
Lucy decided to decorate her own hands with a black marker pen. Despite using lots of soapy water under her nails are black.
Georgie seems to have just noticed she can move her hands.
Monday 31st October
Had a nice time at the Mothers & Toddlers group this morning. Lucy had a whale of a time.
I've ordered our Christmas cards from Vista because they are on offer just now - alright so I don't actually have 250 friends but they were very reasonable.
Saturday 29th October
How could anyone mistake indigestion for a heart attack?
Tonight I had a crushing pain which Nigel assured me was indigestion. He made me a peppermint tea and one loud burp later I felt much better. I hate it when he's right.
Wednesday 26th October
Buggies, strollers, pushchairs, travel systems, perambulators - call them what you will - over the years we have had lots of them. Because a small-all-purpose-easy-to-fold buggy has yet to be invented we have been known to have 3 different models on the go at the same time.
Now we have 2 buggy users we simply haven't the space to keep a variety pack of double buggies so opted for one model that could cope with the majority of our needs. Our new buggy is great. The girls can both sleep and I can manouevre in tight spaces. Alas, it cannot fit through many doorways and although it folds down remarkably compact I wonder if it can go on the train. I'm probably worrying unnecessarily as Lucy is currently refusing to sit in the buggy and wants to walk everywhere so we will probably end up buying a new single buggy.
I am beginning to think seriously about learning to drive.
Monday 24th October
I am a keen promoter of breastfeeding and have a few nursing tops with panels which allow discreet feeding. However, I would no sooner wear a t-shirt with slogans such as "Proud Breastfeeder" than I would wear a shell suit. Unsurprisingly, "Pro" Breastfeeding t-shirts require you to hitch the whole thing up in order to feed your baby thus bringing even more attention to yourself...and affording more opportunities to be confrontational...
"Lactivists" are worse than the David Walliams "Bitty" character for perpetuating the idea that breastfeeding is somehow weird.
Sunday 23rd October
I've been embroiled in a daylong battle with laundry. The laundry is winning. Keeping on top of the washing is easy enough but the putting away of teeny-tiny clothes seems to take forever. The main problem is determining the owner of each (pink) item. Although Georgie and Lucy are closer in age, Lucy and Emily are closer in size. All three can fit in the same hats. Some days I can stare at a t-shirt thinking "who does this belong to?" only to find that it is a dolls outfit.
The only thing I share is hair bobbles with Emily (and, occasionally socks with my husband). In order to find a scrunchy I have to sift through a collection of Polly Pocket, stickers and Whoopy Cushions - not at all appropriate for a woman fast approaching 40. Rather than get my hair cut or grow old gracefully and stop wearing my 5-year old's day-glo hair clasps, I decided to create a "communal hair accessories drawer"
Astounded by my own creative brilliance I went a step further and implemented the communal sock drawer. If this doesn't work I'm going to insist that we all become naturists.
Saturday 22nd October
I finished Alasdair Gray's "The End of our Tethers". This collection of short stories has waited with me at exciting times (e.g. my turn for a C-Section) and during everyday events (e.g. in the playground). It now feels like such a long time since I read the first story in the waiting room of the Simpson Centre for Reproductive Health. Having just read the last story (Wellbeing) they could have been written by entirely different authors such is the eclectic nature of his yarns (I challenge the claim that they are all subtly connected - and "beautifully illustrated"). What they do have in common is a sense of weariness and honesty. A lot of the time I felt I was being let in on a private joke, albeit with a sad punchline.
Friday 21st October
I got an email today from the second highest bidder of an auction I've won. He mailed to say that he had received an offer to purchase the painting after the auction closed and wondered why I hadn't concluded the sale. Eh? Arrangements were in place for my mum to collect it on Saturday. What on earth was going on?
It turned out to be a tried and tested scam where a conman, claiming to be the seller, contacts the second highest bidder offering to sell the item they just missed out on. They then ask for payment by Paypal for the item they, of course, aren't in possession of. The matter has been reported to the police and eBay.
Thursday 20th October
Do not despair regular readers of this column (good morning mum) - I have not been trapped under a mountain of flatpack furniture for days. I've been away for a few days. A full report appears here.
I've dyed my hair (and the bathroom) "vibrant red"; my inlaws visited on Saturday; on Sunday we started our trip, returning Tuesday evening. Yesterday was mostly spent calming, feeding and referee-ing the girls.The new 3-wheeler buggy arrived and I enlisted the help of some loquats for the camera project. Today I am going to restore order to the house, do some filing, washing and reply to emails.
Friday 14th October
The de-cluttering and building of flatpacks continues so we are in a state of flux at the mo. Also, my dishwasher is still broken so the kitchen looked a bit of state this morning (Yes, I am aware how spoilt/lazy that makes me sound). The garden is being tidied up for the winter and a new landing carpet is in the process of being fitted. Mrs F worked wonders in the kitchen and sitting room.
Thursday 13th October
I have been at pains to correct the information held by the Farcical Tax Credit office for over a year now. Each letter acknowleging a 'change of circumstances' contains yet another error. Such is their incompetence, I would no longer be surprised if they had me down as an extra-terrestrial or addressed the letter to the cat. Today's communication informed me that I owe over £7,000 and have no right of appeal.
Wednesday 12th October
The acting in Coronation Street was superb tonight. I really think I could be an actor. Perhaps everyone thinks that. One thing I know is that I spend a lot of time acting.
Emily and Lucy decided to make "snow" from some polystyrene packing. I got them to clear up quickly using my "jolly" voice telling them that it would be fun - I even threw in a demonstration of static electricity. I played my part of cheerful mummy so well that Emily announced that she always wants to live with us - even when she is a grown up. I managed to supress the urge to yell "Not on your nelly, I plan to retire somewhere hot and drink gin all day" and instead delivered my line: "That would be lovely darling".
Tuesday 11th October
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead;
And when she was good
She was very, very good,
But when she was bad she was horrid*
If it wasn't for the fact that Henry Wadsworth Longfellow died
in 1882 I would be certain he was writing about certain members of my family.
(*"Horrid" is described in dictionary.com as i) Causing horror; dreadful. ii) Extremely disagreeable; offensive. iii) Archaic. Bristling; rough. )
Sunday 9th October
This week has seen lots of changes. There's been the demise of two Barkers: Ronnie and Reg (comedian & gerbil) and the start of our huge decluttering project.
Today there has been an almost constant trickle of stuff coming from the loft for binning, selling on eBay, giving to charity or freecycling.
The surviving gerbil entered into the recycling spirit in a truly disgusting way - by eating Reg. Yeeuurrghhhh.
Friday 7th October
Today is Harvest Festival or "Harvest F*****g Festival!" as one playground mum exclaimed upon realising she had "f*****g fergut tae gie the bairn a "f*****g tin fer "Harvest F*****g Festival".
Food swearing is everywhere. Even my packet of fishfingers bore the instruction "store in a **** freezer".
Thursday 6th October
I took delivery of 36 cameras today. Very exciting.
Wednesday 5th October
I'm going to resolve here and now to never again put off a job until tomorrow if it can possibly be done today.
I noticed my neighbour had an old bathroom suite in her front garden and mentally made a note to clean the bathroom today before it is given its own TV programme. However, I chose to have a cup of tea and send provocative emails to my husband instead. Big mistake. Aforementioned neighbour knocked at door to ask to use bathroom. Aaaarrggghhh! For a brief second I actually considered, pretending to be someone else, saying an imaginary friend was in the bath or faking a heart attack.
No more procrastination for me. I'm going to get down to some work right now...just as soon as I've finished watching Life of Grime/The Filth Files/How Clean is your House?
Tuesday 4th October
When I manage to save us some money I feel like it is "our" money, but when I'm buying something frivolous for myself I feel like I'm spending my husband's hard earned cash. I am therefore grateful to have my "yummy mummy" fund which is totally mine and nowt to do with the family. This morning I ordered lots of clothes from a Singapore-based company who specialise in de-constructed boho, punky, cyber stuff.
Now, all I have to worry about is a) whether it will fit me and b) whether I'm going to look like a rave gran.
Monday 3rd October
Give me a clear instruction and a worthy cause and I will gladly work like a pit pony to get things done. I rarely attend meetings, join think tanks or form focus groups. I think a committee should consist of no more than three people, two of whom are absent. After this evening's PTA meeting my view remains unchanged.
Geocaching is starting to sound really attractive.
Saturday 1st October
Emily's behavour reached a nadir yesterday so as a punishment she had to spend the day with me.
Geocaching might become my new obsession.
Friday 30th September
What exactly is geocaching? My guess is its like orienteering with GPS but I want to know for sure. I can't believe there is a nerd hobby I don't know about.
Music Now Playing: Henry Mancini
Thursday 29th September
I used to get ready for a date with Nigel and my heart would beat fast, I felt sick with excitement and as if my Wonderbra was on too tight...how I imagine Fred Dibnah felt when he encountered a beam engine...Or how Nigel would feel if comics became a legitimate business expense - and how I felt this morning when I received "Access All Areas: A User's Guide of the Art of Urban Exploration".
The book is not only a great tribute to the late Ninjalicious but a glorious testament to the love he had for his "smart, funny, talented and beautiful wife Liz".
Having a passion for something can make you feel like you are about to die - and reminds you that you're alive.
Wednesday 28th September
To the casual observer we have three "stairgates",
however their real purpose is to separate the inmates from each other, protect
them from hazards and prevent them raiding the biscuit tin. I am like the
farmer who had a bag of grain, a chicken, and a fox. If I have to pop upstairs
I put Georgie in the maximum security wing (a.k.a. the kitchen) out of reach
of Lucy who is then at the mercy of Emily.
Tuesday 27th September
There was high drama today when Mr F sliced through his hand instead of the bedroom carpet he was laying for us.
Saturday 24th September
Thank you sprites for the return of the keys, mobile phone and credit card - and Nigel's slippers.
Friday 23rd September
Stilll no sign of keys. Fortean Times suggests that you ask the "wee people" to help you find lost things (like your marbles). I'll try most things once so duly asked for help. I went to bed hoping the answer would come to me in a dream - it didn't but I did have a nightmare about having nits.
Thursday 22nd September
"In an interview with "The List", Ian Rankin says he is "insanely organised" and always knows where his keys, phone and credit cards are. I have always considered myself highly organised but haven't seen my keys since Saturday and have been using Nigel's set. I haven't seen my mobile phone for about a month so will cancel the contract. I'm not sure where my credit card is but am fairly sure it is nearby. I guess I'm just insane.
Wednesday 21st September
Watching Shelley regain her former confidence and jilt Charlie at the altar in Coronation Street was bloody brilliant! I would hope that the episode inspired anyone in similar circumstances to do the same but I suspect that you don't recognise yourself as a "Shelley" until long after you have de-Charlied.
Monday 19th September
I like to know how visitors came upon our site. I can understand
how someone could find us while searching for "Nigel
Barker", or Elektra
Assassin, but was puzzled how others had found us by searching for "Tulle
skirt" or "bright
red hair". I already knew that people were deep linking to some of
our images (self-loathing
comics being the most popular one to steal!) so I suspected the answer
lay there. Anyway, an email today asking for permission to use our "open
front door" image provided the answer. It turns out that these visitors
are using Google's
Image search - our front door is the first result for "open
front door" - how cool is that?!!! Now I wish we'd applied an extra
coat of paint.
Saturday 17th September
Nigel and I both woke up feeling fluey and freezing cold but as it was Beachwatch day I had to just wrap up warm and get on with it. I wasn't convinced that anyone would show up so was delighted to see the familiar faces of Annemarie and Julie in addition to people I hadn't met before. Despite a few hitches (late delivery of bags and gloves and the tide still going out) we had a great time and the highlight of the day was seeing a seal. I came home thoroughly exhilarated and Emily was so excited to have seen the seal.
Friday 16th September
During my schooldays, Parents Night took the format of mums and dads queuing in a freezing gym hall to speak to their child's teacher while we kids ran amok with gym equipment or pulled the curtains along the stage. We were therefore taken by surprise at the formality of yesterday evening's event. There were presentations, refreshments and, erm ...no other children. Oops. I was really embarrassed that I had got the format so wrong and kept a low profile in the playground this morning.
There was no pharmacist on duty at the usual chemist so had to get Georgie's prescription from another one where several people were being given methidone under supervision. One girl looked no more than 16.
Turned a corner and managed to give the black dog the slip.
Thursday 15th September
There were three black dogs tied to the school railings. The most ever. Grey skies all the way.
Wednesday 14th September
Both Emily and I tried new activities today. I really enjoyed my first "Cooking for Children" class but the Rainbows did not meet with similar approval from Emily who arrived back home tearful and saying a big girl wouldn't be her friend.
Tuesday 13th September
I have stepped down as organiser of the BookCross group. It just hasn't taken off and I don't have the resources to keep promoting it. Although I love the concept of BookCrossing, I was never really into meetups. My idea of "discussing" a book is "I liked it/Have you read it?/Would you like to read it next?
So why the heck did I start a book group? Well, I couldn't find any local groups I wanted to join and I guess that, subconsciously, I thought that by having "book" in the title it would keep away the chavs, thickos and scary people. God, I'm a dreadful snob. I read about a "high class" whorehouse that decided upon the name "Cachet" as a way of filtering out any undesirables on the principle that if you can't pronounce it you don't deserve it ("Hiya, is that Catch It?").
Monday 12th September
Skinny people tell fibs. The evidence? They say "I just forget to eat". Well, I've been attempting to eat breakfast since getting up but keep getting sidetracked by nappies requiring to be changed, tears requiring to be wiped, knocks at the door that need to be answered etc. At no point, however, have I actually forgotten that I'm hungry.
The silver lining is tht I've lost some weight. The lady serving in Scotmid even remarked on the fact I had "got my figure back*" - mind you, she is skinny so must be fibbing.
* I don't want my figure back, I'd much rather have Elle
McPherson's.
Thursday 8th September
I've had this song in my head for days now. With a little help
from Google I identified it as "Morningtown Ride":
Train whistle blowing, makes a sleepy noise,
Underneath their blankets go all the girls and boys,
Heading from the station, out along the bay,
All bound for Morningtown, many miles away.
Emily’s at the engine, Lucy rings the bell,
Georgie swings the lantern to show that all is well.
Rocking, rolling riding, out along the bay,
All bound for Morningtown, many miles away.
Maybe it is raining where our train will ride,
But all the little travellers are snug and warm inside.
Somewhere there is sunshine, somewhere there is day,
Somewhere there is Morningtown, many miles away.
Wednesday 7th September
Today's quiz. Match the following responses: