Jan's Stuff

 

 

These pages contain all the random, bonkers stuff and opinions of mine that don't readily fit into any of the more sensible sections. Here you will find such utterly fascinating stuff as

Lists

List #1 Disambiguation

I am Jan Barker. I'm not an expert in any field or famous for anything. I'm unlikely to win any medals, prizes or gongs and my biggest achievement to date is simply being Jan Barker. Let's face it...the chances are that I'm not the Jan Barker you are looking for. But one of these power houses might be...

I am not a Quiet Internet Marketer
I do not work in the field of Medical Technology
I can't really help you in your search for a dream home in Palm Springs
I am not looking to hire out my time share in Massachusets
Although I am hugely interested in sleep, I can offer no expert advice
I would very much like to go to Brazil but have no plans to do so
I had no part in increasing sales of tickets at the Northern Kentucky Lottery Office
I have definitely not completed a Scientology Purification Rundown
If I were to run 5 miles it would take 55 hours, not minutes

List #2 Breaches of Netiquette which really annoy Jan

When people don't use distribution lists or the CC option - I don't want my email address forwarded to all the zillions of 'friends' in your address book (e.g. bid-confirm@ebay.co.uk)
Forwarded 'jokes', political rants, petitions, 'helpful' advice re stolen mobile phones and viruses - if the subject matter is so important to you, why can't you be bothered deleting all the FWs (and email addresses - see above) and adding your own message? F.W.
"Inviting" - i.e. Passing my details onto a third party pretending I might be interested in some crappy service but really just so you can get an extra entry into a competition or get some kind of loyalty point - bad, bad, bad
Forwarding any email of mine to anyone else - must I explain why?!!!
Bombarding me with your holiday photos - get a website…or a life
Sending 'thanks' by email, or worse, the promise of proper thanks later (and then not bothering). Does no one have manners any more?
Issuing post-auction diktats by email - I don't need £3.20 that much thanks all the same
Websites that don't recognise .info as a valid email address
Not replying to my email but instead mailing my husband - what's that all about????
Websites with annoying .wav files.
Mails flagged up as "top priority" - get over yourself!!!!!
Read Receipt - what precisely has it got to do with you when I choose to read your stupid message????`

List #3 Ladybird Series 606D (Well-loved tales) - and their Illustrators

The books that I grew up with and still love are:

The Elves and the Shoemaker - Robert Lumley
Puss in Boots - Eric Winter
The Princess and the Frog - Capaldi
Rapunzel - Eric Winter
The Littel Red Hen and the grains of wheat - Robert Lumley
Snow-White and Rose-Red - Eric Winter
Beauty and the Beast - Eric Winter
The Old Woman and her Pig - Robert Lumley
Jack and the Beanstalk - Eric Winter
Little Red Riding Hood - Eric Winter
The Musicians of Bremen - Robert Lumley and John Berry
Cinderella - Eric Winter
Rumpelstiltskin - Eric Winter
The Sly Fox and the Little Red Hen - Robert Lumley
Sleeping Beauty - Eric Winter
The Princess and the Pea - Eric Winter

My favourite Ladybird illustrator is Eric Winter. I also like John Berry's stuff, a lot of which appears in Series 606B (People at Work).

List #4 Fings wot I 'ave wrote

Capital city for free: Edinburgh: 100's of events, attractions, goods & services that won't cost you a penny! Publisher: Treehouse. ISBN: 0952143801
Memorial Inscriptions of Seafield Cemetery. Publisher Scottish Genealogy Society
Supertemp Handbook
John Rattray (1707-1771), Oxford Dictionary of National Biography, Oxford University Press, 2004 (with C.J. L. Strachan)
Erm, cheques, signatures, postcards, my blog

List #5 Foody Treats that comes in 5s

Mr Kipling cake bars
New York bagels
Cadbury dairy milk
Mcvities cake bars
Bounty
Refreshers
Chewits
Foxs Rocky

List #6 Useful/beautiful stuff

Chandelier - beautiful
Short USB lead - useful
Peacock Feathers - beautiful
Conical measuring thingy - useful
Sia beaded candle holder - beautiful
Clear scoubies - useful
Ganesha wall hanging - beautiful

"Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." --Walter Kitteredge.

List #7 Message titles of some spam mails

Software
Re: PhaGTramacy news
The excellent salary!
The perfect income!
Microsoft Visual Studio 2005 Professional Edition
Swiss watches - replica
Polo Shirt & Sportswear
Cheap Meds !
Your success in our Company!
Buy OEM Software
You got to know this!
She wants a better sex? All you need's here!
Re[6]: V1agra GET IT HERE! [Ref:4878]
All love enhancers on one portal!
Greater control over ejaculation
* Generic Viagra bestseller *
Three Steps to the Software You Need at the Prices You Want
All love enhancers on one portal!
1: Hey- Don't get ripped off! -- Save $30
ASSIST ME TO RECEIVE THESE MONEY

Pregnancy, Childbirth & Breastfeeding: my observations

Nothing will prepare you for the change to your life. You can't prepare for it or swot up on it or experience it by proxy - so... enjoy your existing life NOW and embrace the changes LATER.*

You probably won't need special maternity clothes for ages (maybe even as late as 7+ months). Wearing bigger, looser will do for a long time.
Side fastenings defer the inevitable maternity clothing purchases as does wearing tights back to front and wearing trousers under the bump, hipster-style.

Maternity clothes should be bought in pre-pregnancy size (you may even get away with a smaller size than regular!) and I also found that high street chains like Next or Dorothy Perkins generally had trendier maternity clothes than the big name maternity clothes shop for the same price. Of course there are funky maternity clothes out there - but at a price.

In any given 40 weeks of your life you would expect to have cramps, aches, upset stomach etc - pregnancy is no different and these things are not necessarily a cause for concern. In addition to the aforementioned ailments I also had the following pregnancy-related stuff going on (shown here in order of appearance) sore feet, cystitis, itchy boobs, headaches, heartburn and bleeding gums, constipation, piles.

Just like your holiday snaps or "amusing" tales of your cat, no-one is as interested in your pregnancy as you are.

My naval has never 'popped'.
I have never had a linear nigre.
I have never seen a 'show'.

Old wives tales are all bonkers*

I'm too posh to push so don't know much about labour pains. If I had to list the 3 most painful experiences in my life I would say: wisdom teeth; urinary tract infection; sore throat.

The moment I saw them, I knew instinctively that I would do anything to protect my babies and accordingly, my opinions, attitudes and tolerances changed immediately.

Modern disposable nappies are so absorbent that you will never use as many nappies as you think you will. Ditto cotton wool and baby lotion.

I wanted to punch people who asked "How is the bump?" while patting my stomach.

It is a great irony that pregnancy frees you from worries about family planning! In other words, whether you have been trying to conceive or trying not to, you are now liberated from the monthly "blue line" on a stick agony.

Breastfeeding requires perseverance, nipple cream and LOADS of breast pads. Positioning is key to happy breastfeeding. Give it a decent length of time before deciding to pack it in because the first few days are the worst. Ask for help if you need to from your friends, health visitor, nurse, La Leche or NCT representative. As a last resort - ask me! I'll help if I possibly can.

Apart from the umpteen known health benefits of breastfeeding, it helps you to lose weight (true!!) and is a zillion times more preferable than getting up in the middle of the night to sterilise bottles, make up formula, get the milk to the right temperature.
Nursing bras and tops are essential for discreet breastfeeding. Nursing tops that have a double/concealed layer are best. Side openings are neither discreet nor attractive (think b-i-g armholes). Breast pumps are very useful but can be expensive - see if you can borrow one.

The amount of time it takes for your bowels to open after giving birth is directly related to how posh you are. Chavs can expect to wait at least a fortnight - okay, so I might have made that bit up.

and for future reference……

Never worry about not loving subsequent babies as much as the first. You feel exactly the same as you did first time. Truly. *

Disclaimer: All material contained herein is the personal view of the author and is intended to be used only for general informational purposes and should not be considered medical advice. Consult your health care professional for advice relating to a medical problem or condition.

*One of those things that you probably have to experience to really believe.

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